PATH OF REMEMBRANCE
My Path
Addiction was a loud secret in parts of my family.
Alcohol being the preferred numbing agent.
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When I went to Penn State from 2006-2010, I drank heavily and used college life as my excuse. Truth was, I really just wanted to block out the anger, pain, and frustration I carried inside.
When I went to Penn State from 2006-2010, I drank heavily and used college life as my excuse. Truth was, I really just wanted to block out the anger, pain, and frustration I carried inside.
The week of my graduation, I came across the UFC on a low budget channel and was immediately captivated. Without hesitation I started looking for somewhere to train. After a long search, I found a place in New Jersey and began training 7 days a week, multiple times a day.
To prepare for Mixed Martial Arts (MMA), I started competing in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ) as much as possible.
Competing had it’s ups & downs.
Growing up I played baseball and some football, but never an individual sport. Growing up in The Bronx, the only wrestling I had heard of was WWF. So I had to teach myself how to compete. I had to learn the mindset, how to ground, manage anxiety and nervousness, deal with self-doubt, be present/access the flow state, and perform under pressure. Plus I had some catching up to do since I started training after graduating from college and had no prior experience.
Eventually I found my groove and went on a streak, winning multiple tournaments back to back. Then in a tournament as a Purple belt (a rank halfway to Blackbelt) I tore my ACL, partially tore my MCL, and my meniscus. I hadn’t even started my fighting career yet, and the recovery time was supposed to be 2 years.
I came back in 9 months.
Once I recovered, I returned to full training and made my amateur MMA debut.
After some dominating wins, I was lined up for a title fight when I fractured my arm in training. I was so focused on the title that I continued training in a cast, rushed the healing process, and took a fight that would take place right when the cast would come off.
I dominated the fight and became an Amateur Champion.
That same week I returned to training and broke that same arm again because it never fully healed.
After allowing it to heal with patience, I defended my title in dominating fashion and went on to become a Professional Mixed Martial Artist.
From the moment I started training in 2010, nothing mattered to me other than being “The Best”. Not even me. Nothing was ever enough. I would dominate a fight and obsess of my mistakes as if I had lost. And the few times I did lose, I hated myself for it.
If I wasn’t training, I was studying fights, learning mindset and psychology, or doing strength & conditioning. Spending time with family & friends was out of the question, let alone birthdays, weddings, etc.
Once Lockdown hit I lined up my schedule for 6 fights in 1 year. Because I never took damage, I stayed active and remained in constant "fight camp mode".
My routine during fight camps was to shut off my emotions 2 weeks before a fight so I wouldn’t feel bad for any damage I caused. Staying in fight camp mode meant I never turned my emotions back on. So I stayed numb. Not feeling anything. Trading the addiction of drinking for the addiction of proving myself to the world.
The lockdown of 2020 wasn't that different from my everyday life. I trained, went home to recover, woke up, and did it all over again. After being forced to have the additional time with myself due to the lockdown, I realized I was using fighting & training to cope with the fact that I wasn’t happy. This led me to diving deeper into the inner work of self-development, personal growth and spirituality.
I took a fight during lockdown to prove to myself that I wasn't reacting to any external driven anxiousness.
I dominated and felt exactly the same.
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Not happy.
All smiles were temporary and mostly so other people won't ask me “what’s wrong?” After approaching 2021 differently and taking a break from fighting, I went to Iceland with my instructor for one of his seminars. While I was there, I thought to myself:
“This is what I want to do...experience life.”
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For the first time, the thought of retiring came up and I realized that I was more afraid to retire than I had ever been before any fight. Because of that fear, I knew I had to do it. If I didn’t, I would appear to be this brave warrior to others for being a fighter, but I knew I would be a coward deep down for not jumping into the unknown of life without fighting.
Letting go of the identity of "the fighter" was a long process, but I am now in a place where I am truly genuinely happy.
Every smile is real and I am present for every moment of a life that I love.
I now help others experience their own true happiness.
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My journey taught me how to read patterns, stay present under pressure, regulate my nervous system when everything in my body wanted to panic, and trust myself in moments that demanded clarity. Today, I help others learn how to do the same thing in their own lives. I guide people back to their own sense of safety, clarity, and self-trust by combining what I learned through fighting, competition, and deep inner work. I teach it in its simplest form, physiological sensation.
I found that words can be easily forgotten, but you never forget how something makes you feel. So everything I guide people through connects back to sensation. Because just like in a fight, when things are chaotic, long explanations don't help. But if you have a feeling, a certain sensation that you have trained yourself to come back to, you will always be able to find your stability and sustain your balance no matter what happens.
Allowing you to remain connected with yourself.
